Who'd Be a Copper? Read online

  Also by Jonathan Nicholas:

  Hospital Beat

  Kibbutz Virgin

  The Tragic Romance of Africa

  Oz – A Hitchhiker’s Australian Anthology

  Copyright © 2015 Jonathan Nicholas

  The moral right of the author has been asserted.

  Apart from any fair dealing for the purposes of research or private study, or criticism or review, as permitted under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988, this publication may only be reproduced, stored or transmitted, in any form or by any means, with the prior permission in writing of the publishers, or in the case of reprographic reproduction in accordance with the terms of licences issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency. Enquiries concerning reproduction outside those terms should be sent to the publishers.

  Matador®

  9 Priory Business Park

  Kibworth Beauchamp

  Leicestershire LE8 0RX, UK

  Tel: (+44) 116 279 2299

  Fax: (+44) 116 279 2277

  Email: [email protected]

  Web: www.troubador.co.uk/matador

  ISBN 978 1784628 963

  British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data.

  A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

  Matador® is an imprint of Troubador Publishing Ltd

  To my wife, Alyson

  For tolerating me.

  This is a true story

  Some names and identities have been changed, omitted, or disguised for legal reasons and in order to protect privacy. Otherwise, it all happened exactly as described.

  ‘How many fingers, Winston?’

  ‘Four! Stop it, stop it! How can you go on? Four! Four!’

  ‘How many fingers, Winston?’

  ‘Five! Five! Five!’

  ‘No, Winston, that is no use. You are lying. You still think there are four. How many fingers, please?’

  ‘Four! Five! Four! Anything you like. Only stop it, stop the pain!’

  From George Orwell’s

  Nineteen Eighty-Four

  CONTENTS

  Preface

  JOINING

  Returning from abroad

  A policeman calls

  Waiting

  INTERVIEWS AND TESTS

  Epperstone Manor

  Force Headquarters

  TRAINING SCHOOL

  RAF Dishforth

  Lessons in law

  Swimming and fighting

  POSTING

  Gregory Boulevard

  First arrest and the miners’ dispute

  Annual leave

  FOOT PATROL

  On my own

  More leave and a new sergeant

  Dead people

  Karma

  GETTING STUCK IN

  The first decent cough

  Technology and cars

  Inside and out

  Drink drivers

  THE MIDDLE YEARS

  Football and Goose Fair

  Statistics and starbursts

  HOLMES

  The crime desk

  TOWARDS THE END

  Back on the beat

  Rage against the machine

  Surveys and indiscretions

  Cannabis and cack

  THE END

  The fall and rise

  Rubber heals and resentment

  Epilogue

  Acknowledgements

  PREFACE

  I recently completed thirty years as a constable in the British police. I had a very interesting time as you might expect and saw everything from petty theft to gruesome murders. But it wasn’t all about crime; in fact a huge amount of time was taken up with social work, and still is today. When I joined ‘the job’ as it is known, it seemed the police were barely accountable to anyone. Some prisoners were often left hand-cuffed to radiators in corridors of police stations all weekend and even then when released they’d say ‘Thank you’ as they left. This worked pretty well in summer but in winter those old radiators were bloody hot, and the poor unfortunate scallywag would often admit anything after being partially cooked for seventy-two hours.

  I worked the front line wearing a uniform in an inner city area for all of those thirty years. Not ten years, or twenty years, but three long decades. It wasn’t some sleepy rural backwater either, but one of the most challenging areas of England, in a city with one of the highest crime rates in the UK. Like many British cities Nottingham has become known as a ‘multi-cultural’ city. But what does this really mean? How much do you really know about the Sikh way of life, the Jews living down your street, or the Muslim family who run your corner shop?

  The closest thing to rural policing I ever experienced was The Forest, an incongruous bit of flat grassy area with a slope on one side in the middle of Nottingham where they usually accommodate the annual Goose Fair. There hasn’t been any poaching or cattle rustling, but there have been plenty of occasions when people wandered around with illegal firearms.

  I started as a foot beat officer, as everyone did in those days, in February 1984. The miners’ dispute began just after this and I suddenly felt as though I’d been drafted into the army. In fact during the dispute we were often referred to as ‘troops’ by senior officers, which led the media to suspect that soldiers had been employed to assist in the eventual breaking of the strike. The greatest memories I have of the dispute, apart from filling in all the lucrative overtime forms, is of being continually shouted at and verbally abused all day, every day, and that was just by my colleagues. The seemingly endless boredom was occasionally punctuated by some very bland packed lunches in flimsy white cardboard boxes, the best parts of which were an apple and a Mars bar. The very long days were usually spent with a dozen other hairy-arsed coppers crammed inside a Ford Transit van inevitably exposed to copious amounts of disgusting belching and farting. There didn’t seem to be any lady cops working the dispute, maybe because most ladies clearly didn’t possess the necessary hairy bottoms.

  After a couple of years walking the beat and almost losing my job for never actually prosecuting anyone, I was sent on a driving course. I then spent the next ten years driving ‘response’ cars around the city. Working as a response officer means you are usually the first on the scene at almost everything that comes in, day and night, and frequently alone. For me, and for most cops, it is a very rapid apprenticeship. I was told: “If you can do the job here, you can do it anywhere.” It was certainly never boring.

  In those days we didn’t have any sirens in the police cars; I think they were deemed to be ‘too American’. As a consequence I frequently drove a small Ford Escort at 80 mph on the wrong side of the road in built up areas in a ridiculously dangerous manner, taking both hands off the steering wheel in order to alternately press the horn, change gear, and flash the headlights, while screaming at people to get out of the way. Steering with your knees at high speed while dodging startled pedestrians is not ideal, but this was expected. Such things were done in order to ‘make the job work’, bending the rules to varying degrees for the sake of expediency. One of my first sergeants told me, “If you have to break the rules, don’t worry, you’re acting in the interests of justice.”

  It was known that at least unofficially you were supported and backed all the way. This and other things we did as calculated risks so the job was done as quickly as possible. Today things are very different.

  I was enjoying my job and it was very exciting. I was a young man tearing around the city every day in a police car. I worked extremely hard for a long time and I didn’t look up until I had a dozen years’ service. When I looked around I realised just what an idiot I’d been for being so conscientious. Other cops were getting paid the same as me or more and were actu
ally getting away with half the work. Some thoroughly bone idle colleagues also ended up acquiring quite high rank in the police service, so you clearly didn’t always need to work hard to be promoted. It seemed that passing an exam and some impressive use of management clichés in interviews was all it took for some people. You’d see them every few years when you visited headquarters, but they would be another rank higher than when you last saw them, careerist cops who’d never worked shifts or undertaken any proper police work. When you’ve been in the job long enough you know the true nature of quite a few high ranking officers, and you remember clearly just how idle they were when they were constables.

  It was not in my nature to expend endless amounts of energy avoiding work. This was how I saw it; it was quicker and easier to volunteer and just get the job done than otherwise. Not only this, a good reputation as a hard working officer would stand me in good stead, or so I thought. This naïve idea was to be proved wrong much later in my service when I had some very hurtful wrangles with the PSD, the Professional Standards Department. If you can imagine a huge and rapidly expanding department within any organisation whose main raison d’etre seems to be to unnecessarily persecute all hard working conscientious cops then this is the modern day PSD. It’s the same in every UK police force nowadays. They are a bastard cross between the Soviet Stasi and the German Gestapo, but thankfully nowhere near as well-organised, professional or efficient. They seem to exist only to further their own ends, to create a climate of fear in the workplace, and to counter their own extreme paranoia. They usually operate in pairs and luckily many of them conduct themselves more like Bungle and Zippy from the children’s TV show Rainbow. But they have the power to destroy people, and they seem to relish it.

  I spent some time in the divisional control room before these were regrettably closed during one of the first rounds of disastrous budget cuts. I spent some time attached to a burglary team but still in uniform, and this was very rewarding. I’ve visited the scene of thousands of dwelling burglaries and witnessed the distress they cause. Burglaries are not committed by the starving but by scruffy thieving bastards who want what you’ve got but they are not prepared to work for it.

  My last decade in the job has seen the best of times, and the very worst. I spent most of this looking after an inner city hospital, thoroughly enjoying myself. I acquired close to £30,000 in grant funding from various sources to help the kids on the nearby council estate stay away from crime and antisocial behaviour with my music club project. I achieved some great results too, and was awarded the title of ‘Community Police Officer of the Year’ in 2007. The first half of my service saw a huge investment in the British police service, and latterly I’ve witnessed the wholesale dismantling of that same great service. If it is destroyed much more then there is a real danger it will be lost forever. I can say this because I’ve seen it; I’ve worked at the sharp end for thirty years.

  Sadly all my energies in the last few years of my service seemed to have been spent defending myself against my own employers rather than doing my job. I was not alone. Many of my honest, hard working colleagues in the police felt the wrath of the PSD. I know one colleague who was suspended on full pay for three and a half years before finally being completely exonerated. Taxpayers kept him at home on full pay all that time, when he could have been at work. I know this might sound bizarre but it’s true, and it’s very common nowadays. It seems that a hugely disproportionate amount of time, money and effort is spent by police forces across the country investigating their own employees rather than safeguarding the public from child killers, thieves and other scum that continue to wander our streets with impunity.

  People I meet in the pub frequently bemoan having to work in a job they hate until their late sixties, and see me with envious eyes drawing a generous public sector pension. But I am one of the last, an endangered species, a cop who has actually reached retirement age. Perhaps I should be stuffed and mounted in the British Museum? It is my prediction that very few people in the police service will achieve this in the future, mainly because they will add ten years to the pensionable service, but if the PSD don’t get you then the draconian sickness policy will. You will either find yourself in prison for making a genuine mistake or sacked for stupidly getting yourself injured on duty while perhaps trying to save someone’s life.

  Books about the police and the wider public sector sell really well, even the very poor ones that clearly haven’t been properly proof-read or copy-edited, and particularly those written from the inside. Such books are quite rare because according to the Home Office and ACPO (Association of Chief Police Officers) serving police officers should not write about their job. Those who do are clearly taking a risk, and many are therefore written anonymously. Even so, they have to keep their scribblings innocent, amusing, vague and inoffensive. I can write what I like, even if it brings the police service into disrepute, because I don’t work for them anymore. So, make yourself a mug of coffee, sit back and enjoy the ride.

  Jonathan Nicholas, October 2014

  JOINING

  RETURNING FROM ABROAD

  How did I evolve from a long-haired, tree-hugging hippy to become one of ‘Thatcher’s bully boys’? The process was gradual, involving months of training and a good deal of introspection on my part. Everyone has the freedom to choose their own lifestyle, either to follow a dream, however realistic or ridiculous, or to drift along aimlessly, for years or even their entire life. We all face career decisions of one sort or another when young, and I chose to join the police service, though I’m not entirely sure why. I vaguely remember my father saying something about a good pension, but this never occurred to me when I joined. You don’t think of such boring things when you are in your early twenties. In the latter days of my service my pension was costing me a small fortune in compulsory contributions, a fact that is not widely known.

  I didn’t give much serious thought to becoming a cop, or anything else for that matter, though I did have a few vague ideas. I had my share of drifting; from the age of eighteen to twenty-three, when I wandered the globe as a scruffy vagrant traveller, wide-eyed and fantastically naïve, moving from one country to another, my passport folded over in my back pocket. That wonderful document was quite often the only thing I ever possessed. It was all I needed, my ticket to freedom.

  I was looking for something positive to do with my life, seeking a reason for it all. This probably sounds like complete and utter nonsense but it’s true. Some people like me develop late and have obscure ideas about what they want to do. In my case these ideas were often muddled by cheap alcohol and drugs, while slumped in some desert wadi or lying on an endless Australian beach.

  I’d been bumbling along since I was eighteen, drifting around the world living a stateless, bohemian lifestyle until I reached the age of twenty-three. Then quite suddenly on a fine New Zealand autumn morning in April 1983 I ran out of inspiration. At that moment while sitting on the clean white sand of Auckland’s North Shore I felt ready to return to the UK and find a career. It wasn’t a kind of epiphany, but more likely a rare moment of clarity caused by not being drunk or bombed off my tits on weed for almost three months. For years I’d lived with no money and no belongings except for a diary, a rucksack and a change of clothes. But I was incredibly happy. I didn’t own anything, but I was free. This was to be the sort of priceless, wonderful freedom I was about to willingly give up for the next thirty years.

  My parents were noticeably much older when I saw them again for the first time in years at Heathrow airport. They appeared frail, and this lent some urgency to my situation, as their apparent leap in years made me feel older too. It was good to be back in the UK, but this time I knew I was here to stay. No more brief stops before flying off again to some other exotic hiding place. This was finally the end. The wandering had to stop. But what should I do? I felt like Richard Hannay returning from South Africa in John Buchan’s The Thirty Nine Steps. I was home and yet I needed something exciting a
nd interesting to keep me in England.

  I lay on a bedroom floor in my parent’s bungalow listening to music, staring idly at the ceiling, occasionally turning my head to watch the heavy rain running in tiny riverlets on the window. I watched them compete with one another as they raced down the glass, always an unseen outsider leaping ahead to beat my favourites.

  I had been allocated a bed, but preferred the floor, like Crocodile Dundee in his plush New York hotel room; I’d been so used to sleeping on the ground in my vagrant lifestyle that I found a soft bed quite uncomfortable. This was a habit that remained with me for years. The dismal view from the window matched my mood. It was entirely grey, with the tops of nearby trees in spring bud held back, jostling one another constantly in a strong north wind. The sun was gone, and blue sky was nowhere to be seen as though banished into memory. It was a typically cold English spring day; damp, miserable and claustrophobic. The dark clouds covered the ground like a fire blanket, blotting out light as though a hundred miles thick. I was in a place where there were no sun-drenched beaches and blood-warm ocean. Life seemed incredibly vacuous and dull, and I wondered where I’d left my passport.

  My brother-in-law Malcolm arrived at the house. My bedroom door was slightly ajar and I could just see him as he stomped in through the front door. He brushed the rain from his sleeves, and I noticed his thick glasses and moustache were speckled with raindrops. I knew the purpose of his visit. He’d brought with him an application form for the police, for me. I’d applied for other jobs, but had not thought about a career in the police. Surely I couldn’t entertain such an idea? How would I cope with the rigours of a disciplined organisation? I’d been living a carefree existence for so long, how would I fit into such a way of life? Would I be able to?

  I’d been an air cadet for years as a teenager, and thoroughly enjoyed it. I’d reached the rank of flight sergeant. Life in a disciplined organisation would not be entirely alien, but for the last few years I’d been such a free agent, completely at liberty to do anything I wanted.